The Thing With Grief
Darling George ... this week has pulled me from one extreme to the other.
Monday I felt like my world collapsed again ... the reality of you not being here is sinking in and I don't like it. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced. Your loss is by far the biggest loss I have had to take.
Monday was intense, the tears didn't stop and I kept asking all the questions ... would you have left if I was home ... maybe I should not have gone away for the night ... would things have been different ... I am overthinking scenarios and trying to see sense in something that is nonsensical. That is a battle in itself. You left without warning, peacefully, just like that.
I feel this grief has reared its ugly head again and this time its bigger than it was ... I'm doing everything I can to move through it, at times the pain is unbearable.
I took myself to bed and woke on Tuesday morning feeling lighter ... what just happened yesterday ?? There was shift, a moment within me I can't explain.
I then learn that it is a full moon, and this is a Super Full Moon in Scorpio. Its intense for me, there is a lot to this moons energy and it is all now making sense as to how and why I have been feeling this way over the past couple of days.
This time is about regeneration, surrendering to change. Something I am not wanting to accept and do, and this is why this is feeling so deeply intense for me. Its that fight within me that doesn't want to accept your loss. I'm holding onto it, but I have to confront it, this grief and pain and let what needs to be released go.
I understand this is important. As much as I want to just not get out of bed and could easily just make this my new way of life, this would be an injustice of the lessons you taught me.
You encouraged me to live my life to its fullest.
It was you who took us on that road trip.
It was you who made me keep going when I wanted to turn home.
It was you, who showed me what true happiness really is.
It was you, who gave me a love like no other, a friendship and true soul connection I will carry with me forever.
It is because of you I will carry happiness in my heart even though it has been broken. The happiness is the memories we have etched in our hearts, that connection that is never broken a bond, so strong only the two of us really know how special it is ... how lucky I am to have had you.
I miss you baby boy.